I have got the two most amazingly remarkable children and super dad/husband…. that I love so much and live for everyday.

However I struggle physically and emotionally to meet anyone’s needs adequately. And I absolutely hate that.

Living in a world of chronic pain has its own daily struggles and hurdles before throwing the family into the ring.

For one thing, the daily struggle of pain see me get the girls ready and off to school at the very least. If I am having an ok or goodish day I may meet up with a friend for a cuppa and a chat. But then I have to be able to pick them up and get home. Thankfully My husband is home. It long after most days so if I have overdone it or am just having an unlucky bad day, he can take over. But that’s only to an extent. Because at some point, whilst I am in bed on my heat or ice pack trying to catch a break … one or both girls end up in with me on their iPad or mine or my phone or with telly on. Doing so they move often – and. I matter how many times I try and explain how almost any movement on the end can cause the worst pain imaginable… it’s so hard for them to understand especially when they are not even touching me! Then they will either end up bickering at each other (we downsized from a king to a queen and now it’s not as comfy when we are all in haha) and as much as I want to spend time with them – I also want them to leave me alone to suffer in peace. And then I start to hate myself and struggle with my nasty inner voice telling me how much I am failing them and at being a parent. And I try to remind myself I am doing my best. So I have to ask Ty to help and get the girls dinner or bath/shower or homework etc and I feel like I am sometimes just constantly nagging him to do something … because, let’s be honest, no matter how good they are, a lot of dads just aren’t wired the same as mums and this dad can get side tracked very easily! And he also deserves some down time after working and taking care of the house, the girls and often me as well.

So I get a constant mix of emotions, anger, frustration, annoyance, sadness, regret, irritable, jealous, overwhelmed and so much more.

I want to know how I am supposed to keep doing this. I continuously get ideas and my hopes up that if I just do x, y, z then things will get easier or better … but I just keeping setting myself up for failure. And believe me I try so hard not to! I am a positive person but I am trying to also be realistic and need to be more often – in my abilities and self expectations.

Throw self care into the mix and most weeks I manage to wash my hair 2-3 times if I am lucky … and it gets sooo oily and yuk it drives me crazy. If I am lucky I will get a chance to shave my legs without crazy pain. I want to colour and do some craft but once I do what I have to do each day I am either too sore or too tired – or both to do anything but rest in my bed on my heat pack and either watch Netflix (which I get guilty doing so will go for periods of time not watching anything) or sleep. Feels like such a waste of a day… but I have to prepare for the afternoon routine.

I have started 1-2 times a month going to free crafts and taking friends/family with me … it has been fun and I have loved every one .. but I pay for it … big time that afternoon and night and often the next day or two. These things I have to decide if hats worth paying for and what’s not. Family time Usually wins over self care time as they are so important to me. One thing I need to prioritise more is husband and wife time. I don’t know how we will fit that in … but we will … they girls will only be young once. They are already growing up too quick for my liking! I also must remember to list activities that I can still do with them when I am bedridden so that we don’t resort to iPads or TV and try to make some of the time quality together time. Other times I have no choice and I can not stay awake as the pain is too bad – my body seems to get to a pain level where it kind of shuts down and I end up in what I refer to as my ‘comatose sleep’ where the girls struggle to wake me. This time is definitely Ipad and TV in bed with me time especially when we are on our own.

This is a little all over the place – I apologise. I am not a writer at all … but I like getting these things out and sharing .. if I can help anyone else along the way then added bonus! I hope it helps those who know me understand me more as well.

Please, share your struggles and triumphs with me

Michelle xx

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